The Chili Cook Off

There are countless joke emails floating around, most are fairly un-funny. This however is just plain drop-dead laughing, make your cheeks hurt and cry funny. Like the letter to me said, “If you are not crying by the end of this you are beyond hope.”

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:(Frank
is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…

  • Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
  • Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
  • Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…

  • Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
  • Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
  • Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.I’m not sure what
    I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
    people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
    in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…

  • Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
  • Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
  • Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
    me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
    backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting sh*t-faced from
    all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…

  • Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
  • Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
  • Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
    Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That
    300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear
    waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…

  • Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
  • Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
  • Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
    behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
    told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
    from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
    if I’m burning my lips off.
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…

  • Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spices and peppers.
  • Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
  • Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I’m worried
    it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass
    with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…

  • Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
  • Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that
    I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress,
    as he is cursing uncontrollably.
  • Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and
    the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
    with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
    lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what
    killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it;
    I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
    through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…

  • Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
  • Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
    # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on
    top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder
    how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?